Thursday, July 23, 2009

Better late than never...or maybe not...

My gayness, it's almost been a month since pride and I STILL have not written a recap. I'm to the point now where I can't even remember what all happened, and that's not just because of the liquor. Let's see if I can mash together something resembling a brief rundown of the notable events of Pride. Not that any of you really care anymore, but tough tits, I'm gonna write it anyways.

Okay, so if memory serves, I took the train to the city w/ a couple of gays, one of whom was drinking vodka and Gatorade at 8:30am...which...awesome. I think I bought some ice, then carried it to Dan and Joe's where Dan demanded that I vacuum...not really, I offered to vacuum because I'm nice and know my way around machines since I'm a lesbian and all. I think Joe made some crack about how clever it was for Dan to hire a lesbian to clean their gay house...I laughed, but I'm sure my heart wasn't in it. Joe had thrown his back out opening a can of Coke or something, so he was sitting on the couch being hilariously dramatic about his condition and then came up with the quote of the day "How am I gonna win the twink tossing with this aching back?"...hilarious.

Okay, what happened next...oh yeah, Cha Cha came with a tray of rainbow frosted cupcakes...which none of us got to see because that b*tch Stevie jumped on him as he walked in, knocking his glorious gaycakes to the floor. ** Note to readers: Stevie is a dog, not some jumpy lesbian who attacks people w/ gaycakes, although I do suspect Stevie is a big ol butch lesbian**. Cha Cha was a great sport, he said "No problem. Can I have a Miller Lite?"...that's the spirit, Cha Cha!

After the gaycake drama, the pre-parade party went pretty smoothly, except for when the screen door jumped off it's track and hurled itself at Molly, nearly concussing her. There were yummy stomach lining treats to nosh on...a delicious French Toast casserole courtesy of Joe, a yummy scrambled egg casserole courtesy of Dawn, and of course, plenty of alcohol-laden bevvies to go around including a delicious champagne sangria(I think) that Dan was whipping up. Yay gays!

The parade itself was...different...than what we're used to. The barricades totally sucked and it changed the landscape of the whole parade. People apparently got down there at like 9:30am to reserve spots for themselves. I thought about doing that, but then the delicious sangria told me not to leave it. The Joyous One put herself in charge of blocking our space, and we got a decent area behind a bench that unfortunately was being occupied by kind of a b*tch. She kept saying the area near the bench was for her friends, but you know what? B*tch ain't have no friends and just was stretched out all by herself. We left her alone, even talked nice to her, but all hell nearly broke loose when PFLAG came a cruisin. The Joyous One asked Senorita Poopy Pants if she could come up to the barricade a little closer just for a minute so she could hug her father-in-law(my dad) when he walked by w/ PFLAG. She said "no"...she's lucky The Joyous One didn't lay her out with a forearm shimmy. As it were, The Joyous One was on her best behavior, she just let it go and left the woman alone...except for all of the rude gestures she made behind the woman's back. After that, the parade was pretty much parade-y...lots of music and cheering and colors...why, all the colors of the rainbow, actually! Michael Jackson was of course the popular music choice, and Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" came in close second. As always, I was happy to see the news channel floats, especially ABC and WGN since those are my favorites...yeah, Ron Majors! Also a notable entry this year were The Dykes on Bikes, because my friend Bridgid was one of the dykes on her bike. Dyketastic!

Post parade party was without my parents for the first year, which was sad because usually my mom plays Santa and all the gays sit on her lap telling her they wish they had parents like her. To brighten our spirits, some straight supporters did some hilarious dance moves in the living room, including the worm. Dan made a great speech thanking everyone who supports us, which I nearly ruined due to smart-a** commentary. Sorry Dan! After the speech there was dancing, and more dancing, and drinking and more drinking, and laughing, and hugging, and drunken picture taking(god I hope none of those photos make the interweb!). Finally, around 7pm, it was time to leave Dan and Joe alone and head out for some food. Halted's was the 'rant of choice, The Joyous One, Jessica and I were seated by a drag queen, then annoyed by a window-jumping shrieker who nearly made our ears bleed. This woman, obvs wastoid, kept jumping out of the front window at Halsted's to greet gays walking down the street. She was totally distracting me from the Britney Spears videos that were playing in the background, so finally, Jessica told on her. Great idea, but this led to her and her drunken compatriot to walk around aplogizing to all of the tables one by one. Save it, sister.

All in all I would say Pride 2009 was a smashing success. I do want to make mention of all the straight support that we got this year...more than we've ever gotten...The Joyous One and I both had our sisters there, Emily and Amy(Amy was a first timer), as well as countless friends. A tremendous thank you to all of our breeders(you know who you are!) who have made the effort year after year to support us on this holiest of gay days. Pride 2010 here we come!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Delayed gay...

I am the worst gay ever. I just realized that I have yet to write anything about the Pride Parade and that was like, 2 weeks ago! What kind of gay doesn't write about the gayest day that ever gayed? This kind of gay, apparently. And unfortunately, I'm not going to be writing about in depth just yet either. You see, I'm deeply entrenched in multiple episodes of "Beautiful People" which is a hilariously gay show on Logo which I'm obsessed with and I'm writing this on a commercial so that I don't miss a minute. I know, I know, I have a DVR and could just press "pause", but I feel like that takes away from the fluidity of the show. Oh who am I kidding, I'm waiting for people to send me pictures from Pride, hoping the pics will jog my memory and I'll be able to piece together my day since the excessive amounts of Jim Beam I consumed did nothing but blur everything up.

But seriously, I will be writing a recap soon, so be patient my friends. In the meantime, try and catch an episode of "Beautiful People" on Logo...seriously gay...seriously funny.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Here, Let Me Help You Out Of That Closet...

Last night, my friend Andrea emailed me a YouTube speech that Dustin Lance Black gave at Harvard and told me to watch it. For those of you who don't know, Dustin Lance Black is the man who wrote the screenplay for "Milk", and also the man who delivered one of the most memorable Oscar acceptance speeches that I've ever heard. In the speech I watched last night, I was struck by something he touched on. He talked about how the gay community needs to come out and really put ourselves out there, live our gay lives in the open, because it's very easy for people to vote against us when they can't see us, when we're invisible. This got me thinking about "out", what it means to be out, and just how important it is for us to come out...we need to be an-in-your-face and OUT presence if we want to be taken seriously and if we want to win this fight.

I don't by any means consider myself an activist, I don't think I have the mentality, but while I might not be on the front lines battling, I'm not exactly hiding either. More and more I'm trying to be out, completely out, exposed, unashamed of who I am and who I love. There are things I've always wanted to do as part of a couple that I've always been scared of doing outside of Boystown. These days, I'm saying "Eff you, fear. I'm doing these things." and I'm forcing myself to do them. They are simple things that I'm sure every hetero couple on the planet never ever ever thinks twice about and therefore totally takes for granted. I'm doing things like holding The Joyous One's hand at restaurants when we're having a romantic dinner, even though I'm nervous about the server asking us to leave. I will put my arm around her at Cubs games, even though I worry that I'll get peanuts thrown at me(although if they aim the peanuts at my mouth I won't care because free peanuts!). I'll grab her hand as we stroll down the street, even though I'm terrified that the wrong person will drive by. Outside of my relationship with The Joyous One, I've taken to being totally open and shouting my gayness from the FB rooftop, even though I'm worried about what my "friends" might think. And I'm contributing to this blog, which is all about being gay.

Don't get me wrong, I know I've had it fairly easy. I know that not everyone has the support that I've been so lucky to have. I cannot even pretend to know what it's like to have things go the other way. But what I do know is that by putting myself completely out there, and opening up myself and my life to people, that some closeted gay who reads this blog, or looks at my Facebook page will realize that they do have the support of me, and all the others gays of the world. And maybe it will light a fire under them to come out, to quit the lie, to say "Eff you fear. I'm doing this" and if that happens enough times, you can bet your ass we won't be invisible anymore.

It's the month of Pride, all you gays out there! Let's be proud of ourselves!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Shocking "Out"age...

I was shocked to discover that Adam Lambert is gay...shocked...totally shocked...I'm's shocking my sarcasm coming across here?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Things Can Only Get Better...

I'm sure by now all of you have heard the depressing/obnoxious news that California decided to uphold Proposition 8. I was pretty angry about it, but through my anger, I was happy to hear that the 18,000 married gays of Cali would still be recognized as married. I also wasn't feeling like all was lost just yet, because I knew that there was a bill in Illinois, called the Illinois Religious Freedom Protection and Civil Union Act, or HB2234, that Illinois gays were hoping would be passed before the end of the spring session. In a nutshell, HB 2234 defines "civil union" as a legal relationship between 2 persons, of either the same or opposite sex. The passage of this bill would have been a big step towards equal rights for homosexuals in Illinois. Yesterday, I got the titty-twister news that Illinois lawmakers decided to re-refer HB2234 to the Rules Committee...basically, HB2234 is a horse w/ a broken leg, and re-referring it to the Rules Committee is shooting it to put it out of it's misery.

Maybe that's a little dramatic of me, but I am a gay, it can't be helped. After all, re-referring a bill to the Rules Committee means that the bill MAY BE considered dead, not necessarily all the way dead, so perhaps HB2234 is a daddy long legs with all of it's legs pulled off...may be considered dead. Either way you look at it, Illinois gays are still considered second class citizens of the state, and obviously the country. Hard working, tax paying, second class citizens.

What continues to baffle me in this debate over queer marriage is that religion, yes re-f*cking-ligion, is the ONLY argument against it. Religion...religion...religion...yes, I'm going to continue to say "religion" until someone tells me where "separation of church and state" went. Bring it back, I miss it. Apparently we don't actually follow that legal doctrine anymore, because "Church" really seems to run things around here, and "Church"? Is kind of an asshole. "Church" is that bitchy girl in the bathroom at your first high school MORP who, upon seeing your delicious fade, asked you if you were in the right bathroom, which then made everyone in the bathroom laugh at you and buried you further into the closet. "Church" is the guy at Joe's on Weed street, who hocked a loogie all over your back because you were a gay girl in a sweater vest. "Church" can go to hell, as far as I'm concerned.

Listen, I'm all for religious freedom, I'm all for various religions having the power to decide which couples they will recognize as united in holy matrimony. And I know that those spouters of hate, and preachers of selective rules from their "Bible" are just trying to make themselves feel better about their own sins, and they are free to do that. But those people are missing the point. I'm not asking for my partnership with The Joyous One to be recognized by these religions, I could care friggin less. Where I want to us to be recognized is under the law, just like any straight couple that's been united in a non-religious ceremony. As far as I know, the Bible is not the "law". I've said that before, I will keep saying that until someone can prove me wrong. The Bible is not the "law."

Just last week, Joe and I talked "gay marriage" for the first time. I stand on the side of the fence that wants to be married, or at the very least I want the same rights as all the straight couples out there. Sometimes I'm fine with gay partnerships being called "civil unions", while straight partnerships get the "marriage" tag. Then I flip my script, and I think anyone who isn't united in a religious ceremony doesn't get to be called "married," and we should change all non-religious unions to "civil unions". Other times I want my "marriage" to be called a "marriage" and I feel like I won't be happy with it being called anything else. Does that make it seem like I don't know what I want? Perhaps, but I do know what I'm not allowed to have, and that's equal rights for The Joyous One and I, and our partnership, or whatever I feel like calling it today.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Out and Proud...

Well what do you know? Another Pride Month is nearly upon us. It seems like only yesterday I was comforting Joe on my bosom as the Dykes On Bikes roared past. Good times. Anyhomo, June 1st marks Pride Month, a month in which several queer activities happen leading up to the Grand Dame of Chicago parades...the Pride Parade. The Pride Parade is seriously my favorite event of the year. I'm like a kid hopped up on sugar when it's parade time. Or an adult hopped up on Jim Beam and Coke, which is usually what I'm hopped up on. But yeah, I love love love the Pride Parade. I usually start looking at the parade website in like, March, even though I know the lineup and grand marshal aren't announced until the end of May. But I can't help it, I get excited. So this morning I looked up the parade stuff, as I've been doing for 2 months, and I see that most of the info is up, the grand marshal, the Pride calender, the bathroom sponsors(seriously, do you think the people who sponsor the port a potties are walking around on Pride day like "oh look honey, there's the sh*tter I sponsored. Doesn't it effing stink?"). Anycrapper, most of the info was up, including some disturbing news in the "Parade Information" section...there will be barricades the entire length of the parade route. What. The. Hell.

You know, this parade barricade business does not bode well for me and my friends. We are used to having free reign of Broadway. In fact, knowing that we can go into the street means that we don't have to get to our corner at the crack of parade dawn to save a spot. Plus, if it's barricaded how am I supposed to hug my parents when they go past w/ PFLAG? Which I do EVERY year and have done every year for like, many years. How is The Joyous One supposed to high-five Ron Magers if the route is barricaded? How are we supposed to enjoy the parade if we're caged like gay animals? How are we supposed to run across the street willy-nilly to greet friends that we see on the other side of the street? How are we supposed to ridicule the people who get hit by floats if no one is getting hit by floats? I mean, I suppose that's why they decided to barricade, it helps to control the crowd, and it makes it a little harder to get hit by floats if you can't get into the street. But I'm saddened by this news. It will take a little something away from the parade.

Okay, to keep from getting sad, I'm going to think about Prides past, and do some happy reminiscing. Meta's first Pride Parade: I can't remember the year because my memory is shot due to all of the Jim Beam I drink(not really, but doesn't that sound more tough than the truth, which is because I'm the single most forgetful person on earth?). I was at Pride with my sister Emily and her friend Katie. We were on Broadway, somewhere near The Closet because I remember thinking "Oh goodness, that's a gay bar! Clever name. Maybe some day I'll go there"...funny because I spend an inordinate amount of time at The Closet now. Anycloset, we were standing there watching the parade, and we heard loud cheering happening and we weren't sure what the cheering was for. It started to make it's way closer to us, and we realized it was for PFLAG(Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays). I had never seen PFLAG before, I didn't even realize it existed. So there they were, all these Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, holding signs about loving their gay kids, being proud of their queer sons and daughters, it was moving stuff, let me tell you. All of the sudden, Emily's friend Katie goes "There's your parents!". I think I responded with "No way...", but sure enough, there they were...marching along with all the other proud parents. I absolutely lost my sh*t. I'm not sure I've cried that hard from being happy in my whole life. I think all 3 of us kind of ran towards them and just hugged them, all of us a mess of tears and runny noses. As we went back to our spots, I saw that all of the people around us were crying. I think they realized the enormity of what they had just witnessed: a newly out, scared, gay girl being fully embraced by her parents and knowing that she was going to be okay. It was a beautiful thing.

So, Pride memories, people. Let us have em!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Here Comes the (Straight) Bride...

This past weekend, I went to Spin with my friend Chad. Don't ask me why we picked Spin, I don't like Spin, I mean, I've only been there twice, but I just don't like it. Whatever, I was there, so I decided to make the best of it. How does one make the best of something? Why, by dancing, of course! So Chad and I headed to the dance floor, jumped up on the dancing blocks, I looked around at the peeps below us, and was smacked across the a bachelorette party. There they were, straight girls dressed in their clubbing best, surrounding a bride-to-be complete with a veil and a sash and penis straws. To be fair, the penis straws could have come from behind the bar at Spin, it is a gay bar after all. As I was looking at them, my face slowly went into "Stink-eye" mode, I felt my mouth turn frowny, I felt my nostrils flaring like some sort of gay bull, and I felt something else. It was hurt. I was hurt. Their presence in that gay bar, celebrating this girl's impending marriage, hurt me.

Not long ago, my dad was telling me about a column he read regarding gay bars who were putting up signs just saying "NO" to bachelorette parties. I applauded them at the time, and I'm applauding them even harder now. I get that the attendees of a bachelorette party just want to go someplace where they can dance around, get wasted and not have to worry about being hit on by men. But how severely insensitive of them to parade around in gay bars and clubs wearing veils and "Bride" sashes without any regard for the patrons that the bars are meant to serve: the gay community. A community whose members cannot get married, whose members have zero rights when it comes to their partners, whose members are surrounded by hate and dare these women come in and rub our faces in it, because that's what it feels like to me. Please don't misunderstand me, I have no problem with straight people "coming out" to our town. In fact, I'm all for it because most of my friends are straight. I also think that the meshing of gay and straight is a totally necessary thing if we ever are to be truly accepted and perceived as "normal". But it has to be done with respect to us and the issues we face, and that's what's lacking from these bachelorette parties: respect.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Bears, cubs and otters...Oh My.

Today I was "woofed" at on the street.

See gays put labels on each other. There's bears which are big bellied hairy men. The cubs are like younger bears. Otters are slim, young hairy men. I don't identify in any of these sub-types. In fact, I find them horrible....I don't enjoy being referred to assome woodland mammal. Or worse! Chub. Why don't you just call us fat asses and get to it?

It's like how girls get Lane Bryant or words used like "curvy" or "plus sized". Men? We get Big and Tall Stores and 4X, 5X etc. like ,"you're so fat that we can't fit all the X's on a standard label. We have to use the number of X's to save space. "

Anyway...if you woof at me I'm not likely to answer...I'm bitchy, smooth, drink far too much and LOVE raves. I identify as a morbidly obese twink.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Happy Birthday Harvey & Joe!!!

Today, May 22nd marks the birthday of two great gay visionaries...Harvey Bernard Milk and yours truly, Joseph Heaton!

Harvey and myself were born exactly 50 years apart though he was brutally assassinated 2 years before I was born. I imagine what he would think of things in California today. They aren't really any better. California now outlaws gay marriage, the AIDS crisis really put San Francisco on the map as a haven of debauchery...I wonder if he hadn't been killed if he would have put a sane face to the crises and if lives would have been saved?

Lietuenant Milk, as he was referred to during his time as a soldier in the US Navy during the Korean War, was a very proud veteran. He wore a Navy belt buckle all through his adult life. Gay men and women are still struggling to serve openly and honestly. FYI...Gays are patriotic too. And we certainly love uniforms! :)

I love this quote by Anne Kronenberg describing Harvey. "What set Harvey apart from you or me was that he was a visionary. He imagined a righteous world inside his head and then he set about to create it for real, for all of us."

I try to live my life similarly. Gay rights isn't an "issue" for me. It's a reality. Gay people must take control of our lives, demand our rights and not wait for mainstream America to give them to us. In short, we must stop being polite.

This is my first post and I promise they won't all be so soap boxy.

Hugs and Kisses,
Joseph Heaton

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Proof That We're Born This Way...

There are people in this world who actually believe that gay people aren't created, they believe that we gays have a choice when it comes to which sex we are attracted to. The people who believe this myth are also the folks who throw around the word "phase" when confronted with a homosexual relative or friend. These people, my gay brethren and sistren, are what we call "ignorant". A "choice" is ranch or italian dressing(always ranch). A "choice" is democrat or republican(always democrat). A "phase" is dressing like T-Boz in the early 90's(yeah that was me). A "phase" is wearing mismatched Converse All Stars from 5th grade until 9th grade(also me, plus lots of other weirdos). I think we can all agree that no one would choose to be hated by people, and if it was a controlled phase, wouldn't we stop doing it when we saw how awful it felt to be hated?

Here at "Gays In The Life", we are ready to prove that not only is being gay not a choice and not a phase, we're born this way. Please refer to the photo on the left. This is a young Meta Kroker, clearly a little girl in her pretty red nightgown with cute lacy frills and delicious curls. Look a little closer and you will see this little girl is also clearly a lesbian, sporting a tool belt over her girly little nightgown. Choice? Methinks not. She was born this way.

**Please feel free to send us any pictures that you might have proving that "we're" born this way...and by "we're", we mean all gays, not just Meta & Joe, though we're sure there are plenty of photos floating around proving that Meta & Joe are gay...**

We're About To Gay It Up!!!

Welcome to Gays In The Life! We're Joe and Meta, a coupla gays in the life from different sides of the tracks. Please, allow us to introduce ourselves...

Joseph Heaton was untimely ripped from his mother's womb (if you know that reference you are also gay) on May 22, 1980 at the Hinsdale Hospital and Sanitarium. (seriously, it says that on my birth certificate.) From an early age, Joseph showed a propensity for the gay. Video footage of him dancing to the entire score of Dirty Dancing confirms that Joe is a homo.

Meta Kroker aka Luke Skywalker(this is what she used to tell people her name was) was born November 30th, 1976 to a couple of homo lovin sons 'a guns. It was apparent that Meta was in a "gay way" early on when she chopped off the long blonde hair of her baby doll and promptly named the doll "Baseball Boy". Photographic evidence of her butch tendencies abound, leaving no doubt that Meta is, and always has been, a huge lez.

Now, let us introduce our gay blog. As you may have already concluded, Joe and I are *whispered hush* gay. We like to talk about all things gay, gay people, gay history, gay animals, gay gays. We figured since we like to talk about all things gay, we should write about all things gay, because surely(Don't call me Shirley!) we could find folks who'd want to read about all things gay. So welcome to our little blog, please feel free to comment on our posts, our pictures, our awesomeness, we'd love to hear what you have to say. We do hope you enjoy your time here!


Meta and Joe